God is my true love. He really is, you know? He is my everything. I just would like to have a nice young man through which He shines and shows me romantic love. I don't need it but it would be nice. What about the dreams though God of the little girl I see? What about the feelings? Why did it take this long? AL that time wasted on nothing. Just silly, secret wishes and butterflies. Just clinging to the possibility how silly. How really very silly of me. I love you God, but why the drama. I know cause he had to meet me. I had to pray for him and give him a bible. I had to be his friend and show him a what being loved is like.How nice for him. I need some closure though God is that too much to ask while he's still alive. Is closure too much to ask? Just tell me the truth. Tell me that what I said in the previous blog is right or worng and then let me go on with my life. The reality is that I will go on with life and meet a wonderful man and he will always have a special part of me and live only in a memory. Sadly I'm the one who got away(?) ouch! There I said it. For the the 1st time I am completely hopeless in this situation. I'm done. I'm actually ready to face the uglies. We are truly past tense. Ex's. 

I have finally realized what my college sweetheart and I really were. For me, he was fine, charming, smart, and a little shy, kinda quirky you know and I fell hard. I was also very insecure and picked myself apart the entire time we were really together. For him, I imagine that I was a pretty and a great friend that he was sexually attracted to. I don't think he loved me, and if he did I don't think it lasted long thanks to my insecurity and his own issues as well. I think he cared about my feelings recognizing that I was a good person and that I truly loved him unconditionally but was no where near head over heels for me. I can't believe I've still got a soft spot for him the way I do. I really think its because he was the last guy I loved and you know that feels so good that you don't want that feeling to leave. So maybe all of this time I haven't really been in love with him, but more so with the idea of him and the idea of romance and love even if it is unrequitted. Maybe all this time I've just been holding myself back. I quite possibly could even be responsible for stunting the growth of our new, true friendship, without attraction, physical or otherwise, getting in the way. Because instead of speaking he does silly things to get my attention and possibly lighten the mood, I take them to heart still because well of old feelings I've clung to, secretly hoping that one day all the stupid"signs" I've been reading, will lead to some great romantic, fairy tale ending. It's time to just get real you know. We liked each other, I fell in love and he didin't. He went over seas with the army and realized how much I loved him and loved me for that, but he never really loved me. He took my virginity and loved the sex but not me. He loved our talks and friendship but was not in love, nope. He thinks I'm cute and likes my personality and hopes eventually we can be friends but he ain't in love. That's okay. He thinks I'm an awesome person, really special. He respects me. He may even miss me, but he doesn't love me and finally I can let go. I'm not blaiming myself but I am realizing my mistakes with him and reclaiming my heart because I am ultimately only responsible for myself.I wish him the best of luck in all of his endeavors. I hope one day I can say all this to him, and he actually give me some feedback. I read this website just now that lists how to tell when a man loves you for real, and when he doesn't. Well my ex passed the "he doesn't" part with flying colors. So ofcourse I'm going to tell my best friend who is also very good friends with him and has been there from the jump, my enlightenment. I jusat wish we could talk about it. It would really help give me some closure. It was a year ago but love knows no boudaries. I've been keeping it alive becasue of my hurt feeling s and confusion, nad now that I'm mature the love is just there, you know. Not covered in any disguises like hate, mistrust, or curiosity. Now it's just naked love. There like it was when it first started. He's cute, fun, laid back, and can be as mean as he is sweet. That's the"L" that I fell for. Now, I'm str8 though. I just wish he knew. I wish we could talk. He will eventually I guess or maybe not. All that matters is that I know. WOW! My first real heart break, and all it took was four years. All well that ends well. Now, I'm ready for TRUE love....

so i still love him. i mean i really do. it doesn't necessarily mean anyting it just is you know?i wanna tell him. i dont' even think he feels the same way and i'm not even sure that i want him for myself i just know that i love him.so what do you do when you love someone that you used to be with, who was your 1st you-know-what, and you're not even sure how they feel or whether or not you wanna be with them. i think i just want closure. i just want it to be over you know? no more thinking about him, dreaming about him, remembering past moments, no more games, just done. i just want to go on and findmy prionce chamring. i know he has to be out there some where. i'm a good girlfriend, you know?

so i still love him. i mean i really do. it doesn't necessarily mean anyting it just is you know?i wanna tell him. i dont' even think he feels the same way and i'm not even sure that i want him for myself i just know that i love him.so what do you do when you love someone that you used to be with, who was your 1st you-know-what, and you're not even sure how they feel or whether or not you wanna be with them. i think i just want closure. i just want it to be over you know? no more thinking about him, dreaming about him, remembering past moments, no more games, just done. i just want to go on and find my prince chamring. i know he has to be out there some where. i'm a good girlfriend, you know? i just want it to be over. no more games we play sooo mnay games with each other. he won't admit it though so i'm left feeling dumb and alone.but he'll tell my bff and then my mind starts going you know? why not just tell me how you feel? should i tell him how i feel? will it freak him out? should I care? do i just keep it to myself until it goes away? what do I do?aaaahhhhhhh

And so a little while ago I went to see Dave Chapelle's "Block Party" and for those of you that don't know it is not like his t.v show. He's funny but he's bringin the truth in the movie that is only subtle in the show, and so do the artists. What Jill Scott refers to as her queendom, the total self that makes her, her, inspired to think in terms of my own. I have begun to rewrite the definition of myself. I have taken back the pen I so readily gave to others and hungrily searching for a label that couls give me a clue as to who I was and who I was supposed to be. I have decided to name myself queen of all infinite space and possibilty with in my won grasp. What is the use in trying to assimilate into an unhappy, self-centered culture. I want my natural hair texture because I can grow my hair on my own and it is wholly me, no longer do I want to only feel good from a formula in a box that some how changes me. I'm not saying change is bad, I want to change but into a perfected me that Stevi and God grew, not the society that will reject  me based on any decision I make any given moment in a day. I want to be loved wholely, and not in seperate pieces. I'm falling in love with myself everyday. Everytime I say no I find more and more of my true voice. Everytime I realize that if I'm rejected I want to be rejected for being me and not a fake, and if I'm happy with me than the rejection won't matter, it just means I have to change courses and kepp it moving. My Queendom is beautiful and peaceful and complex and emotional and getting better everyday as I begain seperating the old garbage from the new nutrients and being revealed to me in my young life. I'm beginning to learn the art of keeping myself at arms length from people who do not know me or love me and cannot enter my queendom without trying to destroy out purposely or not. I understand so many things now. All I have left to do is graduate and start again.